fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
