we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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