the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
