well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
