I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
