i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
