I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
