It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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