I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
