i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
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But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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