Having a random hookup so left but love u
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
