: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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