i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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