Don't you send me to vm
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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