I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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