So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
