I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Randomize
