just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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