I think my fart just growled at me.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
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Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?