I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I'm always down for nudity.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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