Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just found puke in my bra..
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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