Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
