HIV tests are more positive than that guy
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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