I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
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And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
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Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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