I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
