hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
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