Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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