Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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