I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
