there's paper in my vomit.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
