I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
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A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
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Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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