I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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