Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
