I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
