Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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