Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
