Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
