my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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