Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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