Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
ttyl tear gas
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
