I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
