dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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