I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
