Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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