i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
