Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
