His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
sick fucks of a feather flock together
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands