I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
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It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
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Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
sex on a bike is impossible
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.