I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.