dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Randomize
