she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
