Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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