you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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