so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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