walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
