Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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