True but thats because hes a fetus.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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