My balls are so social today.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
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