found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
