You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
A bitchslap is in order.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
