living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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