Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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